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I Just Can’t Succeed at Failing

outboard motor servicingSo here I am, in the lowest rank of Over-Botch. Interesting place to be, since it’s the only game in existence that rewards you for failing and getting yourself killed (hence the title), but that requires a great deal of skill and it’s skill I don’t have.

I’m stuck in the Grandmaster level, a badge of shame that states I’m way too good and don’t fail enough. Maybe I’m just too naturally successful for this game? I succeed at everything I try, so perhaps this experiment in failure is too abhorrent for my skills. Clearly.

One mission has you defending the harbours of Melbourne, where outboard motor servicing is taking place that could decide the fate of a great future war. Over-Botch certainly has a rich setting, although they need a few more lore bites before I’m willing to accept that outboard motor servicing is what’s going to swing a world robot war in humanity’s favour. Whatever…anyway, these good mechanics are under attack by robots, who want to kidnap them and use them to build anchor winches and outboard motors for the robot cause instead.

Obviously, obviously, the aim of the mission is to fail. But you have to fail splendidly, you see. You have to do it in such a way that people think you’re trying to succeed. That’s how you get the gold medal in failing, and I’ve never managed to procure the coveted gold medal because I just keep guiding my team to victory. Which is to say, I’m guiding them to defeat, which is also victory…but that’s bad.

Why am I so obsessed with this game?? Is it because failing is the one thing at which I cannot succeed? What a conundrum!  Maybe I’ll just have to accept that I’ll always fail at failing. My apologies to the Melbourne boat trailer repairs people of the year 2080. I’m trying to screw up my mission, but I simply cannot.


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