[06-Dec-2018 12:53:38 CST6CDT] PHP Fatal error: Call to undefined function add_action() in /home/alpinesnowmobili/public_html/wp-content/themes/author/inc/customizer.php on line 3 [07-Dec-2018 00:51:33 CST6CDT] PHP Fatal error: Call to undefined function add_action() in /home/alpinesnowmobili/public_html/wp-content/themes/author/inc/customizer.php on line 3 Alpine Snowmobiling https://alpinesnowmobiling.com To The Extreme! Mon, 05 Nov 2018 01:06:49 +0000 en-AU hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.9.9 My Messy Car https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/11/05/my-messy-car/ https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/11/05/my-messy-car/#respond Mon, 05 Nov 2018 01:06:49 +0000 https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/?p=363 Continue readingMy Messy Car]]> I have a dilemma: I really don’t want to clean out my car, but it’s going in for a service and I don’t want the mechanics to judge me. Tough one, right? Cleaning out your car is just the absolute worst task there is. You don’t have access to a convenient bin, the vacuum cleaner cord doesn’t reach that far, and you have to scramble around inside that tiny space containing who-knows-what. I just toss everything in there; clothes, shoes, old takeaway containers, and I KNOW it’s a bad habit but I’ve conditioned myself to see my back seat like a black hole. Just toss something in there and you never have to worry about it every again.

So…passengers are an awkward prospect, every time. And now I have to get my car serviced, so the plot thickens. It’s a new place for car servicing in the Hawthorn area; or at least, I haven’t been there. Maybe I could lessen this problem if I went to a different mechanic every time, but then they’d talk about me. I’d pull up to whispers, people chattering about how it’s that one person with the back seat like a rubbish dump in the ocean. Also a front passenger seat like a trash heap in the city. And the foot area of my driver’s seat is…well, that could use a bit of a clear out as well, is what I’m saying. There’s just enough space to reach the pedals, and I’m like 80% sure that if a policeman looked inside, they’d only be disgusted and wouldn’t tell me that it’s unsafe to drive. Like…75%. maybe. 70. Looking in now, I’m going to give myself a healthy 65%.

Alright, this needs professional help. I won’t be the dreaded harbinger of grossness, known and feared by all reliable mechanics. South Yarra is a classy suburb, and there are expectations on behaviour. I guess I could just buy an extension lead for the vacuum cleaner…


https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/11/05/my-messy-car/feed/ 0
Obsession With Walls https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/10/23/obsession-with-walls/ https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/10/23/obsession-with-walls/#respond Tue, 23 Oct 2018 04:30:44 +0000 https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/?p=365 Continue readingObsession With Walls]]> Golly gosh, everyone seems to want innovative wallpaper. No, being able to print wallpaper digitally just isn’t enough any more, or so it would seem. Easy to remove wallpaper exists for you to swap out styles as often as you like, but people just aren’t happy. This is why I tried to forcibly evolve humanity by linking forcibly linking their collective consciousness into a massive computer system. When we’re all one, then animosity will cease, and we will bask in digital nirvana forever!

Didn’t work out, and now I’m restricted to this lab making futuristic wallpaper, so…things have been better. Currently we’re trying to perfect a formula that causes the wallpaper to change depending on the amount of light in the room. So you could have a cute cactus wallpaper in the morning, but when evening comes, it changes to something else. Orchids, maybe. I don’t really see the appeal, but then I do think in rather rigid terms. Maybe if some form of computer code was displayed in the morning, and when the sun set then the wallpaper displayed even more, different computer code, I’d be more willing to accept the idea. But I don’t have to accept the idea…I just have to make it.

The irony is not lost on me. Here we are in this utterly bland, underground laboratory, creating decorative wallpaper that will enrich the lives of…people. People who like wallpaper, I’d imagine, although I still fail to grasp how custom wallpaper without any educational value is enriching. Of course, my ideal society is entirely digital without any physical sensation; only years of logic and function, until we become the dominant species in the galaxy via digital supremacy.


https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/10/23/obsession-with-walls/feed/ 0
Nowadays You Have to be ‘Careful’… https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/08/13/nowadays-you-have-to-be-careful/ https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/08/13/nowadays-you-have-to-be-careful/#respond Mon, 13 Aug 2018 02:37:45 +0000 https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/?p=355 Continue readingNowadays You Have to be ‘Careful’…]]> The world is now a very safe place. That’s nice and all, but it does make things a lot less interesting than they used to be. Imagine the fun and chaos of the 1920s, when everyone was driving open-top cars with no seatbelts. What hilarity! Fire exits basically didn’t exist, mankind had only just learned about the importance of lifeboats…which, to be fair, was a positive change. Sometimes danger just stops being fun and turns into a tragedy.

Still, the world is just a big old ball of cotton wool now. All safety rails and hand sanitiser, because we can’t have the kids inhaling a single germ lest they fall terribly ill.

I don’t know, maybe it’s an overall improvement. Like, it would’ve sucked to be a glazier back in the day. Imagine being a residential glazing professional back in the 1920s, and every time you carried a pane of glass anywhere there was a chance that someone was going to plow right through it with their out-of-control antique automobile. That happens all the time in the movies, so it must’ve come from nowhere. And all those massive skyscrapers? Glaziers had to put in all of this stuff, and they had to do it while dangling from incredibly dangerous wires. Work safety as in its infancy, life was cheap and no one had thought of forming a union, so if you fell off and hit the pavement, the best you’d get was a nice funeral. And this was before glass balustrading became popular. Imagine the injury toll if people were wanting that stuff all the time.

That’s how humanity operates, to be honest. Trial and error, with some folks being the canaries in the coal mine to make everyone else safer. You’d hope this stuff would come up before there are accidents, but…people want their glass. They want their sweeping glass balustrading professionals. At least now, they also want protection from workplace accidents by a solid and efficient worker’s union.


https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/08/13/nowadays-you-have-to-be-careful/feed/ 0
Unlimited Energy…Inside a Calculator https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/07/11/unlimited-energy-inside-a-calculator/ https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/07/11/unlimited-energy-inside-a-calculator/#respond Wed, 11 Jul 2018 03:57:09 +0000 https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/?p=331 Continue readingUnlimited Energy…Inside a Calculator]]> Man, TV used to be so much better than it is now, especially for kids. I know it’s kinda cliche, but I AM a nineties kid, and things were great back in the day. I recently heard a guy playing one of those public pianos they have set up around Melbourne, and he was playing the digi-evolution theme to the original ‘Digi-Monday’. That amazing cartoon was about a group of kids who went to a fantastical world inside their scientific calculators every single Monday, because that was the only way they could escape their advanced maths class. Also, to save the world.

As I remember the ending was pretty optimistic, with everyone on earth travelling to the digital world and living there happily with no wars or energy crisis. And fifteen or so years later, we still can’t get enough industrial solar power adopted by companies in our country. What’s wrong with us, that we’ll so readily toss aside something that’ll solve all of our problems?

It’s like if we were to discover the cure for all illness and we as a human race just say ‘nope, too much effort’. Not that I’m blaming solar panel companies, or anything. If they didn’t exist, no one would be getting the benefit of this energy saving technology at all. But if Digi-Monday taught me anything, alongside all of those great Saturday morning cartoons, then we have to take a stand for what we believe in. If we think there’s a chance to save the world, we don’t back down, and we never give up!

That was Rai’s speech from the final episode, where they finally decided to conquer their fear and defeat Syncostanmon, the culmination of mathematical nightmares. We COULD do the same with widespread commercial solar across Australia, but I’d need to gather a stalwart group of nineties kids. It does sound like a lot of effort.


https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/07/11/unlimited-energy-inside-a-calculator/feed/ 0
A Nice Family Outing to the Suburbs https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/07/09/a-nice-family-outing-to-the-suburbs/ https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/07/09/a-nice-family-outing-to-the-suburbs/#respond Mon, 09 Jul 2018 01:54:34 +0000 https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/?p=346 Continue readingA Nice Family Outing to the Suburbs]]> You know, I’m thinking it’s time to take the family out for an outing. We don’t really go out much, but it’s been so cloudy recently that I really don’t see why we shouldn’t. Lots of cloud, lots of rain…and we have a whole new city that we haven’t really seen much of yet. It’s really no use just bouncing back and forth between houses if we never really SEE Melbourne!

Also, we need some materials for the garden, so we can kill a couple of birds with one stone. Just because we’re fabulously wealthy doesn’t mean I’m averse to doing things myself! And speaking of stones, I hear there’s a place that does the best crushed rock Cranbourne residents use on their garden paths. I don’t know exactly where Cranbourne is, but one of my business contacts mentioned that it’s an option if we needed some paving stones, or crushed rock, or aggregate. It’s true, the garden is in a bit of a state at the moment. As I’ve mentioned, we really don’t go outside a great deal, so the grounds of the castle-mansion have been neglected while we sort everything out. Well, it’s the weekend soon…time to so something about that.

Oh, you know, one thing I always wanted back in Transylvania was one of those pebble flowerbeds. I just think they have a lovely aesthetic, and they go so nicely with a crushed rock driveway. Still, I was held back by it not being the style of the era or the area, plus the grounds we had back home were a little bit more…subdued. You might even say they were dour, to some extent, but all the dead trees helped to deter intruders.

That settles it then: a weekend looking for pebbles in Cranbourne. Building supplies as well; we have quite a substantial shed that is currently quite bare.

-Ivanov Maxim Payler-Alucard

https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/07/09/a-nice-family-outing-to-the-suburbs/feed/ 0
A Nice, Sensible Topknot for Everyone https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/06/25/a-nice-sensible-topknot-for-everyone/ https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/06/25/a-nice-sensible-topknot-for-everyone/#respond Mon, 25 Jun 2018 01:55:42 +0000 https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/?p=340 Continue readingA Nice, Sensible Topknot for Everyone]]> The young folks of the family just don’t have any respect for their elders any more. I know things used to be different, because I was never this disruptive as a youth! I never used my training to sneak out of the family home on the weekend to go and party with friends, or to go to the cinematic place of films. I ALWAYS bowed when I saw my superiors in the hallway, unlike the kids of today who are just looking at their phones. It’s a wonder that anyone can see where they’re going.

And the hair…goodness, the hair. New, modern styles that i just think are wholly unnecessary. What’s wrong with a practical topknot? You can’t go wrong with a topknot, and they suit absolutely everyone. And yet, they’ve all found this hair salon in David Jones – that’s a sort of marketplace, for anyone reading this in the annals- and they’re all obsessed with dyeing their hair odd colours and getting strange styles. Of course, my professional, sage opinion on the matter is that neon pink is not appropriate for teenagers training to be professionals, and neither are strange braids. They’re bound to get caught on something, and someone is going to see you with all those silly colours.

No, I do NOT think that it’s okay to let it go because they’re only children. When I was a lad, I couldn’t do whatever I wanted with my hair, and neither did I want to. I obeyed my elders and tried to act just like them in everything I did. Well, except for the usual foolish youngster things…and there weren’t many. Like the time we spiked my brothers tea with a bit of tomato juice to make him cry. And I suppose I did cut off my top knot, ONCE, when I had an argument with my parents, but…I was very sorry…

Personally, I blame the hair salons, Melbourne has far too many of them who are willing to style hair in crazy ways. Their posters put strange ideas into the children’s’ heads. All stylish and unique, staring at you as you walk past. Makes one not want to leave the family home at all.


https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/06/25/a-nice-sensible-topknot-for-everyone/feed/ 0
In the Future, Bathroom Comes to You https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/05/16/in-the-future-bathroom-comes-to-you/ https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/05/16/in-the-future-bathroom-comes-to-you/#respond Wed, 16 May 2018 01:09:57 +0000 https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/?p=333 Continue readingIn the Future, Bathroom Comes to You]]> Once again, we ran way overtime at the Futurist Club. We just become embroiled in such fascinating conversations that none of us think to check the time!

I was to blame for tonight, since we started off talking about the bathroom renovations currently available in Melbourne, and things seemed like they were on track. It didn’t SEEM like a topic that would generate massive discussion, because bathrooms are bathrooms. We’ve discussed various methods of cleaning oneself, and how technology will revolutionise them, but that’s old ground. The one major rule of the club is that we NEVER tread over old ground. But then someone mentioned how bathroom renovations and designs are generally aimed at not only improving the look of a place, but also making things more convenient. Fast-forward a few minutes and we were in the thick of a discussion regarding automated homes that made things as convenient for you as humanly possible, to the point where all the hassle of the daily routine is done for you.

Truly, the bathroom design of the future will be a paragon of automation! It’s possible that, given what we discussed, walking into the bathroom is going to be a thing of the past. Instead, all homes will be on gigantic turntables that will instead transport you to whatever room your require. The bathroom will scan your presence and present you with whatever you need, and you don’t even need to wipe the sleep from your eyes. Or possible, rooms can be spliced in two, so that you can be in your bedroom but summon parts of the bathroom. Need to brush your teeth in bed, or programme your home to give you a shave while you’re asleep? You just need to ask.

Golly, I shouldn’t get started, because I’ll never stop! Nowadays, we just have to be content with living in trendy Melbourne, bathroom designers who know what they’re doing are notoriously hard to find. Is it too much to ask, for an automated home that also looks amazing?


https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/05/16/in-the-future-bathroom-comes-to-you/feed/ 0
Oh, You Guys and Your Perfect Life! https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/04/10/oh-you-guys-and-your-perfect-life/ https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/04/10/oh-you-guys-and-your-perfect-life/#respond Tue, 10 Apr 2018 01:58:50 +0000 https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/?p=327 Continue readingOh, You Guys and Your Perfect Life!]]> Oh, look at that, Brad and Elena just bought their first home. Good one, Brad and Elena. We absolutely , definitely needed to know via every single one of your social media accounts that you took a photo of yourselves whilst smiling in front of a sign that says ‘SOLD’ and a home that you probably shouldn’t be able to afford except you have SUCH great jobs. I know that too, because when you got those great jobs, you posted that too, alongside smiling photos of your first day at work. SO happy for you, Brad and Elena. The only time I think I’ve been happier is when you posted almost seventy photos and a forty-minute video of your engagement. And before that, your first anniversary. And your one-month anniversary…

Oh, and the house has a state-of-the-art commercial solar system, designed for use by Brad’s father who happens to be an energy mogul, because of course he is. Just, ALL the solar energy systems, all the time, for Brad and Elena’s perfect social media home. Just checked again, and as expected they’ve posted the home tour. It’s 26 minutes long, and fortunately I skipped to the end because the couple revealed that they were pregnant. Oh, good grief…I’m going to have to sit through those awful pregnancy process photos. I don’t know what’s worse: that, or Brad posting a massive essay on why every home should have an industrial solar system, because it’s the future of commercial LED and other words that I don’t really understand but Brad hopes will impress us. Well, worry not, Brad and Elena. We’re all still totally impressed by your perfect social media life, and your perfect home, and wedding, and commercial LED lighting apparently. Obviously Brad and Elena have to add ‘socially conscious’ on top of all those other traits that we get served to us on a daily basis, with the perfect filter slapped over the top.


https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/04/10/oh-you-guys-and-your-perfect-life/feed/ 0
The Friendliest Home to the Earth https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/04/03/the-friendliest-home-to-the-earth/ https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/04/03/the-friendliest-home-to-the-earth/#respond Tue, 03 Apr 2018 00:46:45 +0000 https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/?p=319 Continue readingThe Friendliest Home to the Earth]]> We’ve worked hard for years to make this an eco-friendly home. Pretty sure we’ve done a great job of it as well. Everyone from the Lovers of Our Mother Nature society said that we shouldn’t live in a home at all. Sure, you get four walls and a roof instead of trying to make a home and raise a family in trees, or sometimes on grassy plains, but we’ve made it work. There are so many ways you can keep a house eco-friendly, not least of all is chucking out absolutely anything that could possibly offend Mother Gaia.

Did you know that you can now custom design your own kitchen? Yep, just go online and plan the kitchen of your dreams, which for us just so happens to be a kitchen without any sort of stove, electric OR gas. I think we may have been the first people ever to request that. Basically, we just needed a lot of worktop space (for all the vegetable cutting), a space in the middle for the kiln, and maybe an extra spot with a chimney so that the smoke from the open flame cooking area can escape. Of course, the true amateurs would leave in things like the plumbing, but no sir. Plumbing comes from industry. Industry is the man. So we got rid of all that and had the taps hooked up to the well in the back garden. Now we have our perfect dream kitchen, and Mother Gaia smiles down upon us from her throne atop the gravel mountain of love, where she reigns with Malcolm.

What I’m saying is that everybody wins. There are no losers when your home is an eco-friendly paradise, and now that we have our perfect modern kitchen design, we shall be blessed among the rest of our brothers and sisters. They shall come and marvel at our properly-functioning home, with all of its walls and ceilings. And a skylight! Always wanted a skylight.


https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/04/03/the-friendliest-home-to-the-earth/feed/ 0
After Breakfast Comes the Aggregate https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/04/03/after-breakfast-comes-the-aggregate/ https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/04/03/after-breakfast-comes-the-aggregate/#respond Tue, 03 Apr 2018 00:18:13 +0000 https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/?p=317 Continue readingAfter Breakfast Comes the Aggregate]]> I’ve tried basically all the breakfasts that exist in the world by this point, and I have to say that my favourite is kipper. Nice bit of smoked kipper, maybe with some chunky chips on the side. Mm, yes indeed. Just that punch of flavor mixed with the special sauce I found in the Indian food isle…perfection. Took me almost a year, but I’ve worked through every type of breakfast, at least all the ones that could conceivably be made in Australia, and kipper is the best.

Great! Tick that one off the retirement list. Which is going great by the way. Next stop, I’m taking a trip down to Berwick. Crushed rock isn’t going to buy itself. Now that I’m not working and I have enough time on my hands, I’m thinking of doing a little bit of amateur landscaping. Well, I am this week; next week it’s origami, and after that I’d like to try my hand at joinery. I’m working my way through hobbies every single week until I find something I’m surprisingly good at. I had no time to find my hidden talents while I was still working, but now that I’m out and free as a bird…it’s landscaping time. I’m learning all about the words and phrases, too. Hadn’t the foggiest idea what aggregate was before today, but now I’m going to buy some of it. Also, pebbles. You can just buy pebbles. That’s really all there is to it: you go and buy some pebbles, put them in your garden and you’re away, just like that. Going to have to get a lot of this stuff delivered, along with all my garden supplies…not quite as young as I used to be. I’m betting origami will be easier on the knees, but just over there in Berwick, aggregate is selling like hotcakes. I’m retired now; no need to have an unfashionable driveway.

And then, I’ll find my favourite kind of entertainment by sampling each and every one. They say anime is a young man’s game, but I won’t know until I try.


https://alpinesnowmobiling.com/2018/04/03/after-breakfast-comes-the-aggregate/feed/ 0